Mother's Day.......

I wanted to share this post that was posted on a RAD board on FB.  One of my local moms added me to the RAD board and I read it sometimes, not sure if the girls really have RAD, but there have been some discussions on RAD and FASD being similar so I do read the posts sometimes.  This post I am going to copy here, reminds me of how our Mother's Days have gone in the past.  I was a newbie mom excited for my first Mother's Day with the girls and it did not go as planned (many holidays didn't, until the girls had been with us a few years).  I wish I had read this post then. It would have explained a lot about how I sometimes think BGA felt, and possibly LGA, although her delays in processing are just now catching up to her, almost 5 yrs later.

I was not with the girls last Mother's Day.  My mom died that weekend and I had family/friends around, but not Dave and the girls as they couldn't come down to be with me.  My cousin brought me sunflowers in a vase and a card.  It was nice she remembered, and the girls made cards and gave me cards when I got home, but I didn't really (I just was so out of it) notice them much till I found them while moving stuff for the flooring. I now have all the cards the girls have given me, in one place.

I have seen posts on how Mother's Day is not really a holiday moms should want to celebrate and how we are all moms and don't really need a holiday to celebrate what kind of mom we are, etc.  I think a few years back I would have been upset about that as I waited 7 yrs to celebrate this holiday.  But now, 5 yrs in?  Well, now I am comfortable (finally) in my skin as a mom and I don't really need a holiday to celebrate it.  We aren't going to brunch, or lunch, or dinner  (that I know of) nor will I get any expensive gifts. I asked for grocery store bunches of flowers and a small box of candy.  The only reason I wanted the flowers is I used to send my mother flowers every year on this holiday.  She really didn't need anything else and she liked flowers and liked to have the vases (I found a lot of them at her house while clearing it out last year) and look at the flowers, either in her house or in later years, while she was in bed. I wanted some flowers like she used to like getting, something pretty to look at.  So that's why I asked for them.  I have gotten bouquets sent to me for various holidays until I just told Dave I didn't need to get them.  But this time I told him to go to the local grocery store and get me two bunches of flowers (he doesn't buy from him, he buys for the girls to give to me).  And now I don't need anything fancy to celebrate the holiday. 

We'll see what we come up with but I'm happy just having us all together.  And as in the past, the girls have had some grief and it has not really turned out how I imagined it to be, so I'm just winging it, as I have in years past.

To those of you who have lost your mother and miss her, or to those who have your mother and will celebrate her, I wish you a nice day.  To those who are not mothers yet, your day is coming.  I hope you find some peace in the day.

Here's the post, which reminds me a lot of the girls in the past years.  I wish I had realized their pain and been able to comfort them earlier than I did.  I did finally realize (after getting over my own disappointment in what I thought the day should be, there was a lesson there, as there always is where the girls are concerned) and was able to comfort them.  This year I think they will be comforting me and we will comfort each other together.  

On Mother's Day I can't just think of You.
I am not sure one person can love two moms,
I wonder if I am supposed to choose…
maybe if I choose her she'll choose me this time.
I am not good enough.

On Mother's Day I can't be only happy that I have you
because it means I don't have her.
... I am sad.

On Mother's Day I can't just be peaceful
I am so worried I am going to mess up, I don't understand
what is really expected from me,
I just want to run away or crawl in a hole.
I am anxious.

On Mother's Day I can't believe I am good
enough to have a mom like you.
I know that mothers leave…
Before you leave me I have to push you away
so it won't hurt so much.
I am scared.

On Mother's Day I can't feel vulnerable enough
to show you how much I need you.
I will need to create a smoke screen of behaviors,
words and choices that will cover that vulnerability up.
I am a survivor.