Friday, February 8, 2013

A Movie........

I did something today that I haven't done in awhile.............I went to an early movie by myself.  I am not sure how much time has passed since I went to a movie on my own, but it's been considerable.

I have been wanting to go to a movie on my own since the girls started afternoon Girl Scouts at their school one day a week. I have two extra hours to myself and figured I'd have plenty of time to go see a movie and then pick them up.  But........there weren't any movies I wanted to see out, so I wasn't able to go on the day they go to GS.  Today was Friday so the new movies came out.  I decided to go to a movie today.  I think I just needed something different to do. I'm in a rut and as I mentioned in my last post, I really want to start doing some stuff for me this year.  I want to define who I am, not by a mother, but me, the person I was before a mother and before raising a special needs child.

So, today I picked a movie to go to.  I picked Identity Theft, because I really like Melissa McCarthy. I always have.  I also like Jason Bateman, the male lead, so I decided as the time worked out, that I would treat myself to an early movie.  By the time it got out, it allowed me time to pick up BGA from school.  She's been late getting out of class the last couple of days so I figured I could swing it.......I was correct.

The movie was funny, and just sitting in the theater by myself was a treat.  No having to share my red vines with Dave and the kids.  No one talking before the movie started, no one having to go to the bathroom or complaining that their straw didn't fit in their drink, or that they dropped a piece of candy, etc.

The theater was packed for a Friday, mid day.  I had to sit down at the front (because I took my time getting ready, couldn't decide what to wear for some reason today (as the weather that had been in the mid 60's and sunny, decided to go to the mid 50's and cloudy).  Perhaps my body is getting acclimated to spring coming soon? Especially since the groundhog did not see his shadow so spring is coming early.

I still enjoyed it and stretched out with a whole row to myself. I didn't care if anyone heard me laugh out loud.  If I liked a line I was gonna laugh heartily..........and I did.

I got out in just enough time to meet BGA at school, and since she's been late the last couple of days I had enough time to sit and check my phone while I waited.  Think about the movie I just saw and have a few minutes of peace before that was over for the weekend (and it's a school holiday so no school on Monday, but that's ok because daddy is off on Sunday and Monday and will be home to help out).

I think at times, it's hard to make time for yourself, when you have a special needs child. It's not easy to find a baby sitter, or leave them with people, so you end up going by yourself or in Dave's and my case, we try to cram stuff in on the Monday he is off and the girls are in school.  It's hard to find that time together and since Dave works Saturdays, I feel guilty taking a Sunday to myself when he's just off work on his first day off.  But I need to find time for stuff for me. I've really let it go by the wayside.  The first few years I was just plain tired, and days were tiring and discouraging at times.  I was dealing with a lot of issues from my brother (who lived in another state but who had no problem bugging me by phone) and my mother who was failing health wise.  It was hard to make time for myself and I just didn't do it.  I let it go and then when I tried to carve out time for myself, I couldn't relax.  Being a stay at home mom, I could have made time during the day, but after my mother died, just doing any kind of task, cooking, laundry, cleaning house, etc., became a chore to me (sometimes it still does, and sometimes I just need to mentally decompress).  I couldn't find my way.  I didn't want to at first.

But very slowly, I began to read again (I still have a hard time picking reading back up, and I have always been an avid reader, but I just can't do it for some reason, at times), I have read some small books and posted last post about the ones I just recently bought.  I started to watch movies on DVD or DVR ones to watch on tv, instead of mindlessly turning on the tv to whatever show was on.  I began to slowly bead again (although that has taken a backseat lately and I can't seem to organize a project.  I am really wondering if there is ADHD in me, I can't seem to complete a project, and can't focus enough to start).  But I am such a long way from where I want to be.

The loss experienced, both in my mother's passing and an issue with a friend, has taken me to a place, where I have had to examine some truths, and where I have been disappointed about what was said. I have had to decide what I feel about the friendship, and if you have followed this blog you know how hard it has been to lose my mother, and to form the 'new' ideal of family (the girls, Dave and I) and to fully be able to focus on them.  It's different, and I could go into it, but there is now a blog on my sidebar if you want to read more about my experiences since my mother has passed away.  There is only one post up as I can't seem to decide what else to write about (or get motivated).  I have been very tired these past few months, but have been staying up late, on the computer or watching tv, not really connecting with anything.  Grief can do that to you.  Grief you don't expect or the amount of grief you don't expect to feel. 

So making myself go out to a movie was a good thing.  It felt good, I felt good, after.  It was a good start for me.  I must start doing things again.  I did when the girls first came home, the first few years, then as issues with my brother came up and my mom started failing, I stopped. I just stopped.  So, another beginning this next week, I have a lunch date with two gals, a mother and her daughter, who I have recently met through my friend. I buy jewelry from the daughter, and she's very sweet and nice, and her mother is my age and we got along well the times we met.  They uplifted me and made me feel special. They told me they liked my hair, they liked the girls, they started inviting me places, it felt great.  They have their lives and I have mine, but we can get together socially and it's fun.  Dave, the girls and I have been to their houses for parties and had fun.

I used to be social, but raising a special needs child has changed a lot of that.  I am not alone, I know that other mothers out there are experiencing the same thing, as I have now met some on FB.  Yes, the very same FB that causes people to not be able to get a feel for what others are saying because you can't get the tone of someone's voice on FB.  But there are a few Fetal Alcohol groups I have joined and I just make sure I stay out of the controversy, however, most of us are just trying to get support for raising our kids, and I didn't realize I needed that support till I started connecting with others who have children like mine.  That's dropped a lot of stress because I can log on, read how someone else handled a situation and know what will come next, etc.  I needed that so badly.  If I can stay out of the fray (not that I have seen any at all, like I said most of us just support each other and we are all pretty supportive of each other) I think I will do ok there and it's needed.

So getting out of my comfort zone for a movie today, was a good experience for me and one in which I think I will repeat. I'm also going to contact some former co workers of mine and arrange lunch on the day when the girls are in GS for 2 extra hours. 

LGA was testy at dinner tonight, which is always hard, and not a pleasant experience, so my nice day was almost a distant memory, but we did manage to get through and she must have had a hard learning week as she went right to bed (which might mean she's up earlier than usual) so that evened out in the end.

I need to get more sleep as I have become a night owl, preferring the late night time when everyone is safely tucked away in bed and I can relax a bit, but it's tiring me out. I am still getting up early as Dave and the kids leave for school and work, so I need more sleep.  So I've been trying to go to bed an hour earlier than I had been and determined my tiredness was due to lack of sleep.

A movie was a good start for me, though............I must take advantage now that the times are earlier, to go before school lets out.  I enjoyed my day completely. And it was just a movie...........who would have thought that would be what I needed today?  But it was............


  1. So glad you got some time to yourself Molly. It is so important, especially with all you have been through and all that you are dealing with. It's understandable that you can't find joy in things that used to be a pleasure for you, grief robs you of joy.

    Hang in there and know that you have many people (IRL) pulling for you. hugs girlfriend.

  2. Thanks, Leigh. It was a good step for me to take. Next up, lunch with friends this week. Making progress.