I get these feelings every now and then when I think of the wonder of our being parents. Hopefully I can explain it here. It's like a feeling that I never imagined. I made a slideshow for my mother in 2011 during the time my brother died, like I started it on the night (or morning) when he died. I tried every which way to get it burned on a CD so she could watch it, figuring her seeing the girls pictures from the visits through to the present summer, would be good for her. Dave told me I put too many pictures on it and it was too slow. But I knew my mother would have a hard time if the pictures flashed by too quickly, so I set it to the only music (I did it on my computer so it wasn't with any video sites) I could find that Dave had downloaded. Since it was summer there was Beach Boys, Rockin' Robin, The Partridge Family, any songs tame enough that I knew she would be ok with. We never could get it burned, and I realized I might have to put it on You Tube or something and I just didn't want it out there. SO it sat on my desktop on my computer. There were two versions because Dave was able to change it somehow to get it to be viewed on the desktop. I condensed it down again and we still couldn't burn it. So I gave up. I looked at the link for it each time I clicked on to my side of the computer.
Then yesterday we were getting ready to meet some new parents in our town for the 2nd Friday we had gotten together (they have two possible sibs who are Fetal Alcohol/drug exposed toddlers they are adopting) with them. I went to go get Dave. It was a hard friday, there is an air conditioning hose that went out on the van, but I can't get it in to get it fixed yet, till I know what we might have to pay for insurance on the water leak. So I had a hard day having to run an errand in almost 75 degree weather (we had a warming trend) after school in the van with all windows down on the freeway breathing in all the pollen from the trees blooming. I was hot when we got home and then the house is 77 degrees from the blowers so on went the air conditioning. I called the drying out company but never got a call back from the tech. I wanted to ask if we could turn off the blowers. Finally got a call today so they will be going off tomorrow!
Anywho........I went into the family room to get Dave so we could go to meet our friends. He had been taking a med (unknown to me, why do men do this??? I had no idea he was taking this med that the dr. office prescribed for him but insurance denied, so he took another one instead. Then insurance approved it and he decided on a whim to take it a week ago. It's a hormone foam and let's just say the side effects are not great. He stopped taking it) that had yucky side effects, moodiness, feeling aggressive, etc. I didn't like how he was acting and didn't understand what was going on till he admitted he'd used the foam. So I come in to the family room to get him and there he is watching the video. I came in half way through and he did not have the music on, but there he was watching the video. I asked him to put the music on but he didn't want to. The girls came in and saw themselves and went from 0-30 in 0 seconds and screamed, "IT'S ME! LOOK MOM! IT'S ME! OOOH I REMEMBER THAT! DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? REALLY YOU DO? LOOK! OH WOW! THAT'S ME! OH WAIT I SAID THAT ALREADY, BUT............IT'S ME!" LOL. And then when it flashed to the other sister, "WHY is it flashing to HER? Where am I? OH, there I am!"
As I watched it, it just brought back these feelings deep down. These feelings of what it might have been like if they had not been here, if I was not watching or aware of The Disney Channel, their shows, Nickolodeon, and their shows, and the wonder and feelings of what it might have been like, but also what it WAS like, those first few months as we were getting to know each other. I don't know if this makes sense. I don't know if I am explaining it correctly. It's like this feeling of what it was like to be introduced to two small children, who had needs, attitudes, feelings, thoughts, spoke them, what they watched, wore, ate, played with, etc. It was as if the life we knew for 7 yrs together changed. Suddenly we were watching Sprout and Disney, we were dressing, buying toys for, going to the park with, two little girls. We were going through fits/tantrums, we were eating and preparing kid meals. Maybe it's because we skipped baby/toddler (LGA turned 4 the day we brought her home) stage (even though LGA was still in the toddler stage to some degree so we did experience older toddler) and went straight to kid stage. But there were some days that I really thought, "Is this what it's all about? Is this what parenting kids is all about?" Every new thing was an experience. It felt new, it felt different, it felt fun and scary. We were forming two little kids' minds, we were bonding. We were learning about Barbie (well I grew up with Barbie but Dave hadn't), Barbie movies, Princess movies, Tinkerbelle. We were learning about ADHD. It was all new.
Now it seems old hand, it doesn't have that feeling in the chest that you get that you are experiencing something new. It just feels..........normal. We are living a normal (as normal as you can feel with an FASD child) life. This is our life and I don't remember what life was like before the girls. Seriously, it's been almost 5 yrs and I can't remember what it was like before them. This is my life.
It was hard watching that video, but good to see how young the girls looked and much older they are and more mature, how much they've bonded and grown. But it was sad knowing why I made it and that I made it for my mom who never got to see it. Dave asked why I put so many swimming pics in it but I did that because mom had paid for their swimming lessons and suits that year, as she sent them money and asked that I use it for that. So I wanted her to see what they were doing and how much fun it was for them. But the good thing was that the girls were excited to see it. I realized that I had not really used my camera in a year. It's sort of bulky and I don't really like carrying it around. I need a purse camera to carry so I can take pics easily. The girls don't smile as easily and it becomes sort of a chore to take pics as they want to pose or won't sit still. So I just stopped taking them I guess. I took pics on my phone but it's not the same. I think when I got my larger camera (not an SLR) I thought I would get more into taking pics and using the ISO (which it does have), etc. but I never really did. Then I couldn't fit the camera in my purse and it became a pain to carry it. But I feel like I was so great at chronicling the girls first few years and then as most parents do, you sort of stop for a bit. I need to get back into it and start again chronicling our lives. I want them to have the pics and to look back on the life we have. They obviously love to see the pics of how they looked.
Anyway, we are drying out the house and hoping for new flooring if insurance will cover it (if they won't, we will have to pay for it as our carpet has been torn out from LGA's room, hallway, and our bathroom lino (our bathroom is on the other side of the wall from her closet and bedroom). We were gonna put pipes in the attic, but my uncle was quick to point out we could get leaks in the walls. However, our plumber feels sure that we will get other leaks. Now we know we are not the only ones experiencing it as our friends' neighbors have the same type of link. I will be glad for the heaters to come off. I just don't do well with heat ever since I had the 'major female op' and am not on hormones at all. Heat and I are not friends. I have been really miserable.
The good thing out of this is that LGA gets an Ikea style loft bed (hers is the more bunkbed style)
I am hoping this is a good choice for her. She needs storage under her bed as the rooms are small. BGA likes her loft bed but doesn't like being so close to the ceiling. But I think LGA has wanted the same type of bed BGA has and so this will be her first bed of her own and not a handmedown bed.
The trundle bed LGA had was originally BGA's and was painted white and Dave put spraypaint flowers, ladybugs, dragonflies, etc. on it. It served them both well but was older and was harder to put together and take apart. So when we knew we had to clear out the furniture and bed, we decided to keep the mattress and donate the bed. LGA is excited to have a new bed, so hope to get her room set up soon.
Anyway, I was just thinking of how I felt as a first time parent, and how my life changed to a life as a mom. It felt weird to me at times like I was living outside someone else's body sometimes. That feeling eventually went away and it just became life as I knew it and lived it. Watching a video like that just brought back those feelings of how I felt early days in to the girls being here. Now it's so much different. We have all come a long way as a Family of 4....